Lessons Learned, A Look Back at 2014

I realize I'm about a week late for true "end of 2014" reflections. However, those of you who know me well know that reflection and goal setting sometimes cause me a bit of hesitation (okay, I tend to freeze in my tracks at the thought of them, paralyzed and unable to go on). However, lately I've been getting really excited about some BIG goals for 2015. Before I go on, however, I felt it only fair to reflect on the past year, and year filled with some BIG stuff, and the lessons learned that got me to this place of excitement. So here you go, what I learned/am still learning from 2014 (if you want the Readers Digest version, just go for the bold):

At some point, your lifestyle will catch up to you. Achievers are a crazy breed, We sprint and cram and say yes and pull things off on little sleep with loads of energy, and in doing so, feel like we are checking off some sort of golden to do list. Almost as another challenge to conquer, people like me feed off of the frenzy. For more than a quarter of a century, I didn't know how to describe myself as anything but a perfectionist - a term that I'd literally ingrained into my own identity, losing sight of what it even means or why I'd want to be one. And last spring, the crazy chase finally caught up to me. Returning to work after a week at the beach vacation, I suffered what I would later learn to recognize as a panic attack. Me, the girl who could do it all (in heels with a smile), had hit the wall. In the stillness, and the panic, I heard a voice saying, "you can't keep running at this speed." I firmly believe that God knew I'd never slow down without being knocked off my feet, and I'm incredibly grateful for that moment that I believe changed everything for me.

("But he said to me,'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power 

may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9).

Seeing a therapist does not make you crazy. I always joke that my mind runs more than my feet ever do. As someone with input, learner, and achiever as strengths, I tend to process information constantly. Furthermore, with communication as a top strength, I actually think in narratives (or blog posts), which while that may sound impressive, can be exhausting. While running through life at warp speed, I found myself so exhausted that I had nothing left to transfer the thoughts in my head to conversation. I couldn't even talk to Weston at the end of a long day about anything meaningful, I was just frozen. Unfortunately, the thoughts didn't stop, they just built up like books on a shelf in my mind until I thought the shelf would collapse. And then, I found a good Christian friend/mentor who also happened to be a Licensed Professional Counselor, and for the first time in my life, I felt free from my own thoughts. Now I've thought about talking to a counselor for several years now but was always hung up on the stigma that talking to a therapist was for people with "real issues," which of course, as an achiever I couldn't even consider thinking I had (ha!). I didn't need someone to help me manage my stress, I could do it all. Well I now know that a) that's a fallacy in my head and b) even if I could, it's a lot more fun with someone walking alongside me.

("Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor. If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up." Ecclesiastes 4:9).

Talk to yourself like you're someone you love. Before this last year, I'd never thought much about the idea of positive self talk. To be honest, I thought that sounded like some hippy-dippy kumbaya mantra. But one day, someone called me out on this and flat out said, "would you say that to your best friend?" The context doesn't really matter, the point was, I had just been made aware that the way I talked to myself was no way I'd talk to a friend. The messages I'd been repeating over and over were not healthy and were not in line with the Gospel at all. The Bible assures us that we are, "made in the image of God," (Genesis 1:27), so as I was telling myself I wasn't _______ enough (insert smart/good/strong/creative, etc.), I was essentially criticizing God's creation. I was throwing out God's promise that He made me to be ENOUGH. It was time to find some new mantras!

("But the things that come out of a person's mouth come from the heart, and these defile them." Matthew 15:18)

Being busy is not something to brag about. At what point did we decide as a culture that working long hours on little sleep with no break for lunch was honorable? When did we begin to define our identities solely by what we do for a salary? Who decided that how we spend our time can be arbitrarily deemed worthy or unworthy based on a predetermined classification system? The longer this goes on, the more we believe it. Trust me. When I considered making a career switch which some might consider a "step back" I struggled for months with what other people would think. Don't I have to have a reason not to work overtime and strive for the top of the ladder? What will they think? One of my favorite, lesser known, Tim McGraw songs is "Who Are They?" I've go to agree with my main man Timmy that we build up this idea in our heads of what other people will think and say, and what I'm finding out is a) usually people don't care as much about what's going on in our lives as we think they do and b) I'm not living for them anyway!

("Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good, pleasing, and perfect will." Romans 12:2)

There are the same 24 hours in each day, for everyone. If you don't control your time, it will control you. There's a lot to be said about being intentional, but I'll get to that more in my goals for 2015. What I learned this year is that there are things that just happen and things that don't. Deadlines for work, homework assignments for school, meetings, networking events, conference calls, lunch appointments...those things seem to just happen, and what doesn't is spending quality time with those we love the most. You see, I'm married to a very patient, empathetic, loving, non-confrontational man who wants nothing more than for me to be happy. In between the perfect storm of all these factors however, I lost sight of the fact that I had unintentionally pushed him to the back burner. I didn't mean to, of course, but I'd lost control of my time. I'd said yes to too many things. I hadn't made our marriage, and my husband, a priority. I'm grateful for a good friend and an opportunity that helped me realize this before it was too late.

("For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Luke 12:34).

A good actor leaves the stage while the audience is still clapping. In August, I left a job I'd once described as my dream job. I walked away from Springfield Ballet, and many people (including my family and some close friends) were caught off guard and wondered, or are maybe still wondering, why I really left and if doing so was a "smart" decision. The decision to leave a job I truly loved did not come easily or without extensive prayer. Being trusted with an executive level position at just 23 years old was a huge privilege, and a huge responsibility, one I never took lightly. During my 3.5 years in my role, I stretched for and reached impressive milestones and celebrated much success. I worked with a great team and grew to love the dancers and their families like they were my own. But it was the right time to go. I planned and strategized my exit carefully, and when a good friend and industry mentor told me, "a good actor leaves the stage while the audience is still clapping," I knew I'd made the right choice at the right time.

("There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens." 

Ecclesiastes 3:1).

Sometimes the last thing you want to do is the thing you need the most. I hate yoga. Well, I hated yoga. I had the idea in my head that I would never get into yoga because it stood for everything I wasn't good at: being quiet, being still, being in the present moment, clearing your mind, slowing down...not to mention the thought of adding heat to a workout was my own personal hell (literally). However, during my September sabbatical when a friend pressured me into giving hot yoga another try, I literally fell into the safe place I needed most. I found a place free from competition and comparison, a place where the emphasis is not on results but on the process, and a retreat from the stress of life that was taking its toll on me.

("Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance character, and character hope." Romans 5:3)

So there you have it - a little glimpse into what the world and the Lord have been teaching me over the last 365 days. It's been a big year, but aren't they all? I've always said, "have no regrets," because I firmly believe that something can be learned from every experience. God never promised that all things would be good, just that He "causes everything to work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose for them (Romans 8:28). I'm still waiting to see the "aha" for some of the moments from last year, but I know that because of the things I lived through, I've learned, grown, been challenged, and been inspired to make 2015 count. What are you taking away from 2014?

Starring Role or Supporting Actor?

Did you know the phrase "always a bridesmaid, never a bride," was coined in 1925 in a Listerine advertisement? It's a phrase we've probably all used at one time or another, without giving second thought to where it came from. Beyond its literal translation, its definition implies describing a person who's potential is never fulfilled. Leaving something on the table. Not cashing in on the hand you're dealt. A good supporting actor, but not star material. Use of the word always seems to insinuate that the personality trait can't ever be shaken. Are some are born to be indians, never to be chiefs? Just as a person is either an introvert or an extrovert, are we destined to either sing lead or sing backup?

Over the last 30 days, I've had the privilege of having a front row seat to watch someone else's dream unfold. In my new role at Loehr Chiropractic & Acupuncture, I'm a part of an awesome team that supports the vision and dreams of one entrepreneurial doctor. Not that Springfield Ballet was my dream, by any means, but in my previous role, I carried out the dreams of a founding Board no longer involved in the day to day operations of the organization. I was in the driver's seat. After my career transition, some might argue I've gone from a starring role to a supporting part. A bride turned bridesmaid. A chief turned indian. But here's the thing I'm finding out. Following your own dream, or sharing in someone else's, are equally emotional and equally rewarding experiences. 

Growing up, my mother (a retired speech/drama teacher) always told me, "there are no small parts, just small actors." Now, I know there were times when I rolled my eyes and assumed that this only applied when you didn't get the part you wanted! It went in one ear as a sugar-coated consolation prize, and out the other with a chip on my shoulder. The more I study leaders and teams, though, I think she was right. (This is what happens as you get older, right? You start to realize that maybe your parents did know what they were talking about...) Without a good tribe of indians, who needs a chief? And without a lead singer, the backup singers are out of business. God has gifted each of His children with unique gifts and talents, but unless they are combined, they aren't fully effective. 

3 For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. 4 For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, 5 so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. 6 We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; 7 if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; 8 if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously;if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully. (Romans 12:3-8)

Clearly, God has given us gifts, talents, strengths, and functions. Being in the starring role is not a gift, it's one way to use a gift, but not the only. God allows us to use our gifts in starring and supporting roles, sometimes in the same year, heck, sometimes in the same day! So my challenge (to you and to me) is this, let's define success less by a title and more by an impact on our communities and the people we interact with. Let's applaud the whole band and celebrate the whole cast of characters...our Heavenly Father sure does!

The Dreaded 10 Year Question

Last week in my MOL 601 (Strategic Planning) class, the professor announced that we'd be heading out for ice cream and to have a discussion. This isn't uncommon, and is actually a treat. That is, until he announced the topic of discussion. "I want you to think about where you want to be in 10 years. Think about what strengths you have to get you there, and what obstacles might get in the way." Sheer. Panic. I am an open book. Literally, ask me anything. Just don't ask me that. This might be tied with, "so what do you want to do with your Masters?" as my least favorite question. I was paralyzed, and for a split second, weighed the cost of just skipping out on the ice cream and disappearing altogether!

If you know me, you may be scratching your head, wondering why a goal-setting, achiever like me was making such a big deal out of a frequently asked question. Let's start with the paralysis that comes from fearing if I say a plan, out loud, and then don't achieve it, it will be viewed as failure (primarily by me). Without a spelled out plan, I can succeed as I go along, because I (or anyone else) won't have specific, measurable objectives for myself and my own life. Now don't worry, I'm not wandering completely lost through life, I'm just better at defining what's on my to-do list for the next week. I can taste and feel those things. To-do lists are good. Lists with items that won't get checked off for a decade, not as good.

I was ruminating over this with a friend/mentor earlier this week, and she shared a perspective I could appreciate. She asked me, "ten years ago, where were you, and would you ever have imagined you'd be where you are now?" Ten years ago I had a different last name. I was just beginning my senior

year of high school. 17 years old and on top of the world. My highest priorities were cheerleading, show choir, youth group, and dance. I was taking Honors Physics (yuck), French 5 (tres chic), AP this, AP that, Political Activism (working on Bush's campaign much to my father's chagrin), and tirelessly working to preserve 10+ years of a 4.0 (which also, at the time, seemed like the most important thing in my world). I was gearing up to miss an insane amount of school (all excused) for school trips from debate tournaments to Youth in Government to my first trip to NYC with my marketing class. I was intently focused on maintaining an imagined perfect balance of academic excellence, extracurricular involvement, and community service entrenchment to make me the most desired college applicant around. Academic lab (study hall) was spent giggling around a table in my mom's classroom, making lists with friends of the qualities we hoped to find in our future spouses. I'd venture to say that things like "tall, dark, handsome, rich, and doctor" topped the list (priorities folks). Weekends were spent in friends' basements or at Kay Bova (Steak and Shake for those of you non-St.Louisians) where I consumed copious amounts of gluten and dairy and never gained a pound. I was counting the months until a spring break cruise to Mexico. With starry eyes, I was dating the first boy who'd ever told me he loved me, and assumed that I was feeling all love had to offer. Though I didn't know it, in just five short months, I'd say my last goodbye (this side of heaven) to the greatest teacher I'd ever had. One who was so influential in my life, I took for granted that I'd eventually look out at my wedding and see him in the row with my family. The dining room table of my parents' house was littered with college applications, college brochures, college essays, and financial information for the FAFSA. None of them were for Drury because, "my sister went there and we're nothing alike, plus it's smaller than my high school!" The official plan was to live in the honors dorm at the University of Missouri, where I was pre-admitted to the J-School, and major in Public Relations. (The real plan in my head was to be a Rockette.) I'd chosen Public Relations because I thought I could do anything with it, which was a good strategy for me, as in the span of a week I'd change my mind for career plans a dozen times. I'd wanted to be an orthopedic surgeon, a lawyer, a business woman, a doctor with a law degree, a doctor with an MBA (you can see my love of school runs deep). I thought I'd live in St. Louis forever, or if not the Lou, Chicago, New York, or another big city (where, naturally, my life would bear a striking resemblance to Carrie Bradshaw's in Sex in the City).

Christian author/blogger, Donald Miller, penned a post this week that caught my eye in light of my forward, or lack thereof, thinking. In his post, I'm Glad I'm Not the Same Guy who Wrote Blue Like Jazz, Miller responds to critics who "miss" the author he was a decade ago when he released his first bestseller. What he also reveals, is that he was quite a different guy 10 years ago (think 150 pounds heavier, no wife, no money). "People are designed to grow, and if they don't, it's because something's wrong." Miller refreshingly highlights that our creator God designed us to grow and develop, and to learn about Him, love, and ourselves a little more each day. Consequently, he questions why any of us would want to stay the same. I don't want to stay the same. Do you?

Photo Credit: Margot Lied

I may not know what I want my job title to be in 10 years, or even if I'll want to have a job outside our home while (God-willing) raising our kiddos. But I know this, in 10 years, I want to be a better, stronger version of myself. I want to have learned more, bought less, built deeper relationships, loved more, and showed the love of The Lord to more people. Whether I'm a writer, or a speaker, or a consultant, or a mother, or a combination of those and other titles, I want to know, share, and give more to others than I can/do today. In the next 10 years, I plan to read a lot of books, listen to a lot of sermons and TED Talks, try tons of new recipes, write many blog posts, travel to dozens of countries, eat a lot of real food, and burn a few hundred calories (let's hope that's weekly, or I'll have a Donald Miller story on my hands)! It doesn't matter what house (or city) I'll be living in, but I hope to be (God-willing alongside Weston) entertaining friends and family in multitudes at a full dinner table every night, with house guests on most weekends.

It is okay to get better. In fact, I think it's God's will for each one of us. It's okay to desire, dream, even announce in blog "stone" that I will, in fact, be a better version of myself in 10 years, and you can hold me to that. So, where do you see yourself in 10 years?

Finding God Within the Noise

We live in a noisy world. In fact, if you're anything like me, we encourage the noise. I must be on the e-mail list of 200 different stores, businesses, and newsletters. I follow 543 Instagram accounts, have 2412 "friends" on Facebook, and subscribe to dozens of blogs. When I get in my car, I have the choice of AM, FM, XM, CD, or a seemingly endless number of choices from my phone including Pandora, I Heart Radio, or MP3 music. We have more than 1000 channels on our television, not including On Demand, DVR, and Amazon Prime. I can purchase anything I want or need with one-click from my mobile phone, and it will be on my doorstep in a matter of days. My phone vibrates at least 500 times each day, and only stops at night because I silence it (when I remember). There is no doubt the demands are long and our attention spans short.

So where, in this loud demanding world, do we find the one true God who waits patiently for His children to seek Him (Luke 11:9-10)?

I spent the long Labor Day weekend at Table Rock Lake with family and friends who might as well be family. It was a perfect weekend, filled with good food, lots of laughs, sunny weather, a new boat, and above all - quiet. Don't get me wrong, this wasn't the kind of quiet you'd find in a library or an Italian chapel as guests are hushed by guards. Instead, this is soul quiet. The kind of quiet where God's voice gets really loud. This is the kind of quiet I can find only when I leave my phone upstairs, turn the wi-fi off on my iPad, leave the TV covered by a sheet, and escape to the creation that God's given to His children. It's the quiet that silences the motor of the boat when you're sitting up front at twilight floating across an otherwise empty and glassy lake. It's the quiet that fills your soul when you look up at night and see so many stars, they no longer appear as individual lights, but instead as a smear of twinkles against a dark backdrop. It's the quiet that speaks right into your soul and makes it easy to breathe again. It's the quiet that reminds me just how small I am against a backdrop of our huge and great God.

"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." (Psalm 46:10)

When I let my world get loud, I let my own voice get louder than God's. When the noise is all I hear, I start to believe that my emails, my to-do list, my meetings, my preferences, and my desires are the trump cards on the table. But God calls me to quiet the noise in my life. I used to see Psalm 46 and assume that it referred only to designated "quiet times" when I sat in silence with scripture, listening to and talking with God. I think I was missing part of the picture however. For it is also in times of "quiet," like my weekend at the lake, when I see God's greatness more than ever.

There are very few places left in the world where a person could truly escape all noise. As a result, I think we have to create our own still silence. This is HARD FOR ME. I am addicted to the pull of knowing what's going on and being accessible 24/7, and some days, it sucks the life out of me. Thankfully, we serve a Heavenly Father who knows our needs and provides for His children.

I'm taking a September sabbatical. Sabbatical, derived from the word sabbath, describes a need to build periods of rest and rejuvenation into a lifetime. My prayer is that this "white space" I'm building into my life this month will not only renew me, but will renew those around me. My prayer is that in the void, I will be a better friend, a better wife, a better daughter, a better listener. My hope is that I not only focus on doing things, but being still. Quiet the noise and see what you'll hear.

"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness, for his name's sake...Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of The Lord forever." (Psalm 23:1-3,6).

Be Still

I've been thinking a lot about success lately. Okay...truth be told, I'm an achiever (down to my core), so I think about success all the time. But lately, my mind's been consumed with how exactly I define success in my own life. For my college girls, I know you wrestle with, or soon will, the same questions, and I struggle in coming up with how I would guide you on this subject.

In March of last year, Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook, drew worldwide attention with her narrative, Lean In. The premise of the book (that I'm only about 1/4 of the way into), which followed the 2010 TED Talk you can view below, is that "women unintentionally hold themselves back in their careers and so it encourages women to “sit at the table, seek challenges, take risks, and pursue their goals with gusto" (amazon.com). 

Naturally, Sandberg's message has drawn both enthusiastic praise and sharp criticism. (When I've finished the book, more than likely next summer, after I finish my masters, I'll follow up and let you know which side I land on!) It was actually a letter from the editor in Real Simple in April 2013, however, that caught my eye. Editor Kristin van Ogtrop rebutted,

Here's the thing: I don't want to be striving for bigger/better/higher/more every minute of every day. I don't always want to have a larger goal. That just sounds exhausting and, worst of all, completely joyless. I want to enjoy my days: past, present, and future. I take great pleasure in my professional success, but I can tell you with certainty that, when I'm lying on my deathbed, I'm not going to be thinking about career wins. I'm going to be thinking about my parents and two sisters who greeted every new life situation like it was another chapter in a long, hilarious narrative; my steadfast husband, who gave me love and a true north; and finally, the three children who made me take life both more and less seriously, and whose faces are the only thing I see when I close my eyes...I don't really want to lean back for long. But I don't want to lean in, either. I know I'm most comfortable standing up straight.

I suppose my struggle as an achiever/woman/wife/Christian stems from my inability to define success in my own life. Is it leaning in - charging ahead in a business career, chasing after opportunities that others would envy, earning more, putting more hours in, and being recognized for more? Or is it leaning back and settling into life as a Pinterest-perfect mama with crunchy kids that eat organic snacks and speak three languages? Or, is it tirelessly volunteering to raise money, plan galas, and clock volunteer hours that others find impressive? Often, this achiever feels like she has multiple personalities, and in all honesty, I don't always know which one to appease.

This past Wednesday, the world lost an incredible poet and a wildly successful woman when Maya Angelou passed away. Scanning through Facebook statuses and Instagram posts, I was touched by many incredible words Ms. Angelou shared with her audiences. It was one quote in particular, however, that caught my eye.

  

I think Angelou was on to something when she insinuated that, perhaps, true success is only experienced when we are operating out of the inherent strengths and gifts God blessed us with. This is why success looks differently for each of God's children. For some, it is living amongst orphans in a third-world country. For others, it accepting a coveted position and proceeding to make your first million before age 30. Maybe success is reaching 100K followers on your blog, or, healing a friend with a quiet listening ear in private, but desperately needed, counseling sessions. The world has A LOT to say about what success looks like, and I know that I often find it hard to quiet all those opinionated voices in my own head.

"But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? Shall what is formed say to Him who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this?' Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes and some for common use?" (Romans 9:20-21)

I write A LOT of blog posts. Now, I know what you're thinking...this girl is the most inconsistent blogger ever! She hasn't written a post in weeks. You're right. I write A LOT of blog posts in my head...posts that never make it to the internet. As an achiever, my biggest barrier to success is the fear of my own failure - the fear that I will be unsuccessful. So, while I think and reflect and write countless paragraphs in my thoughts, most never make it to the page because I see two options - be a wildly successful, 100% dedicated, regular blogger or just don't bother. I only see two ends of a continuum, no spectrum in between. I'm my own worst opposition. In too many areas of life, I see two options: instant success or instant failure. But through the lens of God's word, I can start to see how resting in the promises of the Lord, the promises that He has equipped me and made me to carry out a specific purpose in this life, will reveal a spectrum of success I don't have to be afraid of.

So, if asked by my college girls, in the peak of the planning stage of your lives, as you define your own success, "just what does success look like", what would I say? Would I tell you to lean in, lean back, or stand up straight? "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him." (Lamentations 3:22) I think I would tell you (and tell myself) to just be still.

Overwhelmed by Easter

I've been thinking for weeks now about an Easter post. Yet, it isn't until now that I've been able to put thoughts into words. Even now, I am overwhelmed by Easter.

This may seem like a strange observation. As a Christian, Easter should fill me with joy, hope, and faith. Holy Week should focus my thoughts, prayers, and energy. But overwhelm me? That doesn't sound quite right. Allow me to explain.

About 10 years ago, I was standing and singing praise songs at youth group, when all of a sudden, the lyrics I was singing hit me like a ton of bricks. "I'll never know how much it cost to see my sin upon that cross." In that moment, by faith took on new depth. My eyes were opened and I realized (as much as I can in my own human brokenness) that Easter was for me. Christ endured the pain and the suffering and the humiliation and the betrayal for every one of my sins, even those I don't feel sorry for in my sinful pride. How does one process, especially at age 16, that brutal truth? More than a decade later, I'm still working on that, but Easter has taken on totally new meaning.

I think there's a cultural emphasis on Christmas. Beyond it's faith-filled meaning, the world has turned December 25 into "the" holiday. We count down to it, we sing about it, we send cards for it, we take off work for it...and I'm not saying that Christmas isn't an incredibly meaningful celebration. However, without Easter, the Christian faith means nothing. Our hope would be gone. Eternal life, not an option.

Could it be any clearer? Our old way of life was nailed to the cross with Christ, a decisive end to that sin-miserable life—no longer at sin’s every beck and call! What we believe is this: If we get included in Christ’s sin-conquering death, we also get included in his life-saving resurrection. We know that when Jesus was raised from the dead it was a signal of the end of death-as-the-end. Never again will death have the last word. When Jesus died, he took sin down with him, but alive he brings God down to us. From now on, think of it this way: Sin speaks a dead language that means nothing to you; God speaks your mother tongue, and you hang on every word. You are dead to sin and alive to God. That’s what Jesus did. (Romans 6:6-11, The Message)

But what about people who proclaim to be Christians, yet make one visit to church per year, on Easter? Are they missing part of the story? A 2013 survey conducted by LifeWay research reports this. "Easter and Christmas are the most revered worship observances of the Christian faith," McConnell said. "The crux of the gospel is not just that Jesus came to earth in human form which we celebrate at Christmas, but that He lived a sinless life and was crucified in the place of mankind. God's acceptance of this payment for sin is seen in Him raising Jesus from the dead. This is what makes Easter so significant. Yet, surprisingly, many who call themselves Christian have no intentions of going to Easter services."

Easter is the happy ending, but a daily walk with God promises meaning and significance to Christ's death in a very personal way. For three days, Christ's followers waited, feared, doubted, and wrestled with the fact that the very man they had trusted as Savior was buried in a tomb. Those believers didn't have the happy ending yet. We do, and still people doubt in disbelief that Christ's death was for them and offers eternal life.

My words aren't perfect, because I am so filled with emotion and passion that I can hardly communicate what this week means to my faith. Fortunately, many of my favorite Christian authors and bloggers have put in to words what I can't.

Words or no words - my challenge to you (and to myself) is to ponder and meditate on what Christ's death and resurrection mean to your faith and to your life. And not just today, or this weekend, but every day. God is ALIVE - and because He lives, so may we.

In His love,
CK

The Skeleton in My Closet

I am a perfectionist. Yep, there's no denying it, I'm as type-A as they come. In fact, I am so much a perfectionist that it literally pains me to let my guard down enough to share these thoughts with you all. However, if I could write a letter to my 20-year old self, I would, and ministering to you girls is the closest chance I get.

There are times in life when God is subtle, and there are times in life when He smacks you right across the face. Tonight, in preparing for our "Chase" Bible study, He smacked me. Hard. As I read through the study guide, praying about what message He had for me to share with you all, I instead found myself staring into a message directed right at me.

How much are you trying to control your image or what others think of you? Answer these questions:

• Do you freely confess you current struggles to close friends? Oh no, I'm the one who's there to listen and counsel others, the one who feeds and doesn't need to be fed.
• When someone accuses you of something do you immediately get defensive? Guilty.
• Are you quick to condemn when you hear about someone else screwing up? And do you feel like you are above making massive mistakes? Nope not above, but certainly don't want to let people see me sweat.
• Do you get frantic when you feel misunderstood? Absolutely. 
• Do people think you have it all together? Of course, how could I let them think otherwise?

I am still in a bit of a panic right now as I regurgitate these thoughts to you. In addition to being a perfectionist, I'm an extrovert, and in all honestly wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm open, happy to share and wouldn't describe myself as private. With one BIG exception - when it comes to my failures, or even my weaknesses.

True story - I had a melt down at a driving range when I was 16 years old. It is a wonder that I've ever picked up a golf club since. You may be wondering what on earth could have caused me to come unglued during a "fun" afternoon date to the public driving range. We're talking hysteric tears, heaving chest, burning cheeks, paralysis kind of melt down. I couldn't swing, wouldn't swing. And the culprit? The simple possibility that if I swung the club, I. might. miss. This was such a painful experience, and example of my desire for a perfect image, that I used it as the analogy for my college entrance essay more than a year later.

Flash forward to undergrad. I was so fixated on maintaining a perfect GPA (fear compounded by Drury's untimely institution of the + & - grading scale), that I vividly remember having to rush out of class (sometimes on a weekly basis), find a private bathroom and sob hysterically, because I could no longer breathe sitting in class I had buried myself under so much weight and pressure. Minutes later, I would return, feathers seemingly unruffled, never letting on to my melt down.

Let me be clear, I am not proud of this. Furthermore, I blame no one for this obsession with my identity as someone who has it all together. My parents were nothing but supportive and encouraging with the realistic expectations that any parent/educator would have. No, this is self-imposed, compounded by a grip of sin on my heart telling me that I am in control and control is a beautiful thing. "For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast." (Ephesians 2:8-9)

Even as I write this, a supposed revealing message, I am tempted to highlight and erase the entire thing with one swift click for fear that I'm rambling and the PERFECT words haven't been found. But let me be open with you for a few more moments. I struggle every.single.day with this stronghold on my heart; I'm working on it. In the infinite wisdom of my 20s (ha!) I am just beginning to learn to let go and let God. I am seeing the beauty in my own weakness, for it is only then that God's strength can shine through me. "But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us."
(2 Corinthians 4:7)

Will you walk with me on this journey? Will you ask me and push me to be real with you? To be an honest, open example of a messed up sinner, wiping away my facade that I've got it all together? I don't have it all together. And you don't have to either. Thankfully, we serve a God who does have it all together, and offers His unconditional love to us in spite of our ugliest failures. 

He doesn't treat us as our sins deserve,
    nor pay us back in full for our wrongs.
As high as heaven is over the earth,
    so strong is his love to those who fear him.
And as far as sunrise is from sunset,
    he has separated us from our sins.

(Psalm 103:10)

Run, Forest, Run!

Let me just clear the air before I share these Tuesday morning thoughts, that most of you (my college Bible study girls) could run/work out in circles around me - making me feel not only old but out of shape - so no, this is not a lecture in healthy living! Your dedication to caring for the bodies God gave you is inspirational to me. Let's not even talk about the huffing and puffing involved in my first spin "class" given by one of my college girls...that's another story for another time!

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily strangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. (Hebrews 12:1)

Photo credit: www.runwomenshoes.com

It is the first day of the new college semester. What promise this holds for you - God's missionaries on campus! But alongside that promise, my heart writhes in pain with the fear of what you, His precious disciples are about to face. There is spiritual warfare being fought in our world. Simply look around, turn on the news, check your social media feed or examine your own life, and you will feel it. Taste it. Hear it. See it. Loud, clear and pungent, Satan is waging war on God's children. And he has a stronghold on campus life. Even in the short time God's turned this blog in this new direction, I've very clearly poured out the heart I have for the college women I am blessed to minister to. I often try to express to them emotionally how I am old enough to have hindsight perspective, yet young enough to still taste the temptation, pain and struggles they deal with daily. And guess what? It doesn't go away upon graduation. While the battlefield may change, the war wages on.

Set your eyes on Jesus. As though you would focus intently on the finish line of a race; fix your gaze on Him. He has laid the path out for us, but oh how our hearts want to chase other things. What are you chasing after? Perfect grades (guilty)? A friend or boyfriend's approval (guilty)? Social status or popularity because of the brand you're wearing or the car you drive (guilty)? A different body shape or size (guilty)? We are all chasing something. And while we're chasing after the next shiny thing that passes by, God is relentlessly pursuing us. So let's stop running from Him and run to Him. Let's stop running the path we've laid out for ourselves, and instead run the path He's set before us. As I read through this scripture from Hebrews 12:1, I keep picturing the scene in "Forest Gump" when Forest, as a little boy, starts to run and his leg braces fly off.

As you start a new semester, my prayer is that each of you finds the power of the Holy Spirit God has placed inside of you to run the race He's set before you. He will run with you. He is present with us always. My prayer is that in spite of what's chasing you, threatening to catch up to you and run you down (be it stress, pressure, tests, homework, etc.), distracting you from the race...in spite of all that spiritual warfare, that you would hear His voice calling out to you. Just like Forest heard sweet Jenny from behind him yelling, "Run, Forest, run!" May you look up and hear clearly your Heavenly Father's voice calling, "Run, my child, run." All my love and His. xo

Who's Your Best Friend?

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28)

I remember being in sixth or seventh grade and a "trick" going around where you'd ask someone, "who's your best friend," and as soon as they started to answer, you'd jump in, "no, your best friend is Jesus!" [Thanks for going back to middle school with me for a moment there, now let's get back to being "grown" women, who sometimes (more often than not) still act like middle school girls.]

When do you turn to the Lord? Who is Jesus to you? Is He your last resort when things aren't going your way? Is He a Sunday stop to talk to at church but who simply slips your mind when life gets in the way? Is He someone for "religious" people but you define yourself as more of a "spiritual" person (that always seemed to be trendy on college campuses)? Or is He the first One you turn to when you are worried, burdened, afraid, unsure of what path to take? I'd venture to say that if we'd spend less time gossiping with our best friends/sorority sisters/coworkers/Facebook friends/etc. and more time talking directly with our Savior, we'd feel a lot less burdened and a lot more comforted.

I'm not pointing fingers. I am the first one to admit that when I'm upset, I whip out my phone and my fingers get to texting. Most of the time, I turn straight to my husband. Or, if it's a work issue, I swing around to my coworkers and unload. A lot of times, Jesus is the last consult when I'm searching for guidance. If you can relate, I don't blame you. Our world perpetuates dependence on others' approval, others' advice and others' affirmation. Social media is an "acceptable" (another debate for another post) forum for emotion-dumping. Blogs solicit comments, Facebook solicits "likes" or shares, Twitter solicits replies or retweets, and just like that, an entire peanut gallery is seconds away through cellular cyber space. In fact, to get advice from friends, you don't even have to "talk" to anyone anymore. We live in a world of tangible, instant gratification, and "being still" with God just doesn't feel as glamorous (Psalm 46:10).

Friends are a blessing, a true gift from God. Good friends, especially as for women, are true treasures. The cliche promise of "finding your bridesmaids" when going through sorority recruitment as a college freshman isn't so cliche, and many lifelong sisterhoods are formed during the four years spent at college. I believe that God desires for us to seek counsel and build bonds with true, tried friends. Jesus spent His life traveling, teaching, praying and seeking fellowship with His disciples. He ate with them, He told stories with them, He laughed with them, He cried with them, and through those relationships, He models perfect friendship for us. "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:13).

When Jesus needed true counsel, however, when He was so overwhelmed that He was literally sweating drops of blood (Luke 22:44), He left His friends, and sat quietly, alone with His Heavenly Father. And He calls us to do the same. Jesus Christ wants to be the first friend you turn to; He wants to be your best friend. We serve a loving, yet jealous, God, and He demands that we seek and serve Him as the most important relationship in our lives. Before our spouse/fiance/significant other, before our parents, before our siblings, before our friends. Turn to the Lord. Christ is waiting to carry your burden.

Stop Trying to Find Yourself, and Let's Get Lost

A new year, a new blog post. Seems appropriate, right? No, I'm not making a resolution to resurrect this blog, or to post every day, or any other mega-goal that I wouldn't possibly be able to fill. In fact, what I'm about to post (or you're about to read) doesn't really fit under the theme of this blog at all as to what's going on in our lives. However, it already exists, and God's been laying words on my heart to post, so instead of launching a new blog, I'm using this for the time being. For the past year and a half, I've had the blessing of leading a group of college women in studying God's word, and this is my new year's message for them. It simply flowed right out of my on a plane on the way home on 1/1/14. Some might call it word vomit. I make no promises.

Give yourself fully to God, so that He may give His love to others through you.

College is often described as a time to "find yourself," but I would challenge you to lose yourself instead. Lose yourself to God, and He will do incredible things through you.

I remember graduating high school and facing college with a wide-eyed anticipatory stare, like an artist would approach a stark, white canvas. Feeling like I was independently equipped to conquer the world, I set out to find myself: find my career path, find my personality, find my values, find my husband, find my future. Alone on this scavenger hunt journey, I quickly found myself...lost. Without the directional guidance of familiar friends, family, teachers and an environment I'd gotten really good at, and without a conscious thirst to walk closely with The Lord, I was a nomad, a wanderer who was miserably failing at the world's promise of finding myself in college. Maybe you've felt that way. Maybe you feel that way now. Maybe you're 30 years old and feel just as lost, if not more, than you did at 18. Daily you seek and search for the world's promised path, and the only thing you're finding is yourself more lost.

In Jeremiah 29:11, God promises, "For I know the plans I have for you...plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I'll admit, this is one of the most often quoted scriptures for those of us facing "quarter-life crises." Often, I hesitate to use this verse in discipleship because I feel overly blessed by the plans I'm a part of, and can imagine the jaded "thank you" from someone who sees me as having it all together. Well...no Bible thumping here, I cling to this verse daily. You see, walking a path with God doesn't promise finding the plans we have for ourselves, or the plans the world promises at certain mile markers of life. Instead, walking a path with Him promises to lead us quickly in the exact opposite direction.

Hold up...God wants to take me away from my family, friends, hopes and dreams? Who would sign up for that?!? His promise is that the plans He has for us are so much sweeter. By walking away, we can love better and more freely. "In fact, the more completely you devote yourself to Me [God], the more freely you can love people (Jesus Calling)." Instead of finding yourself, lose yourself in Him and be found! "The closer to Me you grow, the more fully you become your true self - the one I designed you to be (Jesus Calling)." You may feel like you are walking alone, on a solitary path, but the perfect Creator is drawing you closer to others in pure and reckless love; as He loves us.

Let's all stop trying to find ourselves, and instead, strive to lose ourselves in Christ. A new year, a new semester, a new job, a new city, whatever your blank canvas is, rejoice in it! Sit quietly with the Lord, lose yourself in His word, immerse your heart in solitary prayer, silently and constantly throughout every moment of every day.  God created us to love deeply, to do good works, and to carry out incredible plans (Ephesians 2:10). When we want to program our own GPS though, independent of His leading, we find ourselves lost off the grid, doing nothing but wearing ourselves out wandering. Seek God as the one true destination.

I will never be 18 again, facing college with wide eyes and high hopes. My prayer though, for me and for you, is that if we are trying so hard to find ourselves, we would throw up our white flags and, instead, throw ourselves into the arms of Jesus. A Savior who longs to lead our every step, to walk with us, to carry us and reveal to us not what we can do, but what He can do through us. Here's praying for a 2014 where we all get lost.