Finding God Within the Noise

We live in a noisy world. In fact, if you're anything like me, we encourage the noise. I must be on the e-mail list of 200 different stores, businesses, and newsletters. I follow 543 Instagram accounts, have 2412 "friends" on Facebook, and subscribe to dozens of blogs. When I get in my car, I have the choice of AM, FM, XM, CD, or a seemingly endless number of choices from my phone including Pandora, I Heart Radio, or MP3 music. We have more than 1000 channels on our television, not including On Demand, DVR, and Amazon Prime. I can purchase anything I want or need with one-click from my mobile phone, and it will be on my doorstep in a matter of days. My phone vibrates at least 500 times each day, and only stops at night because I silence it (when I remember). There is no doubt the demands are long and our attention spans short.

So where, in this loud demanding world, do we find the one true God who waits patiently for His children to seek Him (Luke 11:9-10)?

I spent the long Labor Day weekend at Table Rock Lake with family and friends who might as well be family. It was a perfect weekend, filled with good food, lots of laughs, sunny weather, a new boat, and above all - quiet. Don't get me wrong, this wasn't the kind of quiet you'd find in a library or an Italian chapel as guests are hushed by guards. Instead, this is soul quiet. The kind of quiet where God's voice gets really loud. This is the kind of quiet I can find only when I leave my phone upstairs, turn the wi-fi off on my iPad, leave the TV covered by a sheet, and escape to the creation that God's given to His children. It's the quiet that silences the motor of the boat when you're sitting up front at twilight floating across an otherwise empty and glassy lake. It's the quiet that fills your soul when you look up at night and see so many stars, they no longer appear as individual lights, but instead as a smear of twinkles against a dark backdrop. It's the quiet that speaks right into your soul and makes it easy to breathe again. It's the quiet that reminds me just how small I am against a backdrop of our huge and great God.

"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." (Psalm 46:10)

When I let my world get loud, I let my own voice get louder than God's. When the noise is all I hear, I start to believe that my emails, my to-do list, my meetings, my preferences, and my desires are the trump cards on the table. But God calls me to quiet the noise in my life. I used to see Psalm 46 and assume that it referred only to designated "quiet times" when I sat in silence with scripture, listening to and talking with God. I think I was missing part of the picture however. For it is also in times of "quiet," like my weekend at the lake, when I see God's greatness more than ever.

There are very few places left in the world where a person could truly escape all noise. As a result, I think we have to create our own still silence. This is HARD FOR ME. I am addicted to the pull of knowing what's going on and being accessible 24/7, and some days, it sucks the life out of me. Thankfully, we serve a Heavenly Father who knows our needs and provides for His children.

I'm taking a September sabbatical. Sabbatical, derived from the word sabbath, describes a need to build periods of rest and rejuvenation into a lifetime. My prayer is that this "white space" I'm building into my life this month will not only renew me, but will renew those around me. My prayer is that in the void, I will be a better friend, a better wife, a better daughter, a better listener. My hope is that I not only focus on doing things, but being still. Quiet the noise and see what you'll hear.

"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness, for his name's sake...Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of The Lord forever." (Psalm 23:1-3,6).

The Skeleton in My Closet

I am a perfectionist. Yep, there's no denying it, I'm as type-A as they come. In fact, I am so much a perfectionist that it literally pains me to let my guard down enough to share these thoughts with you all. However, if I could write a letter to my 20-year old self, I would, and ministering to you girls is the closest chance I get.

There are times in life when God is subtle, and there are times in life when He smacks you right across the face. Tonight, in preparing for our "Chase" Bible study, He smacked me. Hard. As I read through the study guide, praying about what message He had for me to share with you all, I instead found myself staring into a message directed right at me.

How much are you trying to control your image or what others think of you? Answer these questions:

• Do you freely confess you current struggles to close friends? Oh no, I'm the one who's there to listen and counsel others, the one who feeds and doesn't need to be fed.
• When someone accuses you of something do you immediately get defensive? Guilty.
• Are you quick to condemn when you hear about someone else screwing up? And do you feel like you are above making massive mistakes? Nope not above, but certainly don't want to let people see me sweat.
• Do you get frantic when you feel misunderstood? Absolutely. 
• Do people think you have it all together? Of course, how could I let them think otherwise?

I am still in a bit of a panic right now as I regurgitate these thoughts to you. In addition to being a perfectionist, I'm an extrovert, and in all honestly wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm open, happy to share and wouldn't describe myself as private. With one BIG exception - when it comes to my failures, or even my weaknesses.

True story - I had a melt down at a driving range when I was 16 years old. It is a wonder that I've ever picked up a golf club since. You may be wondering what on earth could have caused me to come unglued during a "fun" afternoon date to the public driving range. We're talking hysteric tears, heaving chest, burning cheeks, paralysis kind of melt down. I couldn't swing, wouldn't swing. And the culprit? The simple possibility that if I swung the club, I. might. miss. This was such a painful experience, and example of my desire for a perfect image, that I used it as the analogy for my college entrance essay more than a year later.

Flash forward to undergrad. I was so fixated on maintaining a perfect GPA (fear compounded by Drury's untimely institution of the + & - grading scale), that I vividly remember having to rush out of class (sometimes on a weekly basis), find a private bathroom and sob hysterically, because I could no longer breathe sitting in class I had buried myself under so much weight and pressure. Minutes later, I would return, feathers seemingly unruffled, never letting on to my melt down.

Let me be clear, I am not proud of this. Furthermore, I blame no one for this obsession with my identity as someone who has it all together. My parents were nothing but supportive and encouraging with the realistic expectations that any parent/educator would have. No, this is self-imposed, compounded by a grip of sin on my heart telling me that I am in control and control is a beautiful thing. "For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast." (Ephesians 2:8-9)

Even as I write this, a supposed revealing message, I am tempted to highlight and erase the entire thing with one swift click for fear that I'm rambling and the PERFECT words haven't been found. But let me be open with you for a few more moments. I struggle every.single.day with this stronghold on my heart; I'm working on it. In the infinite wisdom of my 20s (ha!) I am just beginning to learn to let go and let God. I am seeing the beauty in my own weakness, for it is only then that God's strength can shine through me. "But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us."
(2 Corinthians 4:7)

Will you walk with me on this journey? Will you ask me and push me to be real with you? To be an honest, open example of a messed up sinner, wiping away my facade that I've got it all together? I don't have it all together. And you don't have to either. Thankfully, we serve a God who does have it all together, and offers His unconditional love to us in spite of our ugliest failures. 

He doesn't treat us as our sins deserve,
    nor pay us back in full for our wrongs.
As high as heaven is over the earth,
    so strong is his love to those who fear him.
And as far as sunrise is from sunset,
    he has separated us from our sins.

(Psalm 103:10)