February's Three Little Words

Well, it's February now, so I suppose its time to move my thoughts and plans for 2015 (as promised) out of my head and into the writing realm. I've been "prepping" this post in my head for weeks now, as I tend to do, and realized that the things holding me back are exactly what I want to overcome this year. My good friend and blogger, Natasha Red, challenged her readers to choose a word to define their hopes for 2015. She chose three words, so I'm taking that liberty too! My 2015 words for the year are:

Author and researcher Brene Brown says, "we live in a culture with a strong sense of scarcity." Living as Americans, this is hard to imagine, but from the moment we wake up, our focus is on what we don't have enough of. "I didn't get enough sleep." "I don't have enough time to eat breakfast." "I don't have anything to wear." "Have I done enough to please my boss today?" "Have I worked enough hours?" "Did I spend enough time with my spouse?" "Did I get enough exercise today?" The list never ends... If we are not careful, the time/money/days/opportunities will slip away, right in front of our eyes. I for one do not want that to happen. I want everything I do to have a purpose. So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. (1 Corinthians 10:31) I want my work to be intentional. I want to be intentional about building relationships, developing and nurturing friendships, and strengthening my marriage. I want to make things happen, not let things happen to me.

This word - enough - is a mantra in itself that helped me a lot through the latter part of last year. It is a Biblical truth that I so often lie to myself about. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. (Psalm 139:14) I am more than enough, made in the image of God. I don't have to do anything to be good/successful/smart/beautiful enough. I just put a sign on the wall in my bedroom that reads, "let whatever you do today be enough." One small word, one huge impact on the way I talk to and love myself.

Another gift I received from Natasha Red was awareness of an incredible product I'm just now diving into, Lara Casey's Power Sheets. One of Lara's themes is, "progress, not perfection." Yes. When I set BIG goals, like I'm doing this year, I have to focus on so much more than the end product or the ultimate picture. Instead, I must look ten steps ahead (not ten miles) and make daily/weekly/monthly progress towards my goals. Progress is encouraging, it's nurturing, it drives me to keep moving towards good goals. Perfection is paralyzing, unattainable, and discouraging. "Progress, not perfection."

Moving forward this year, I plan on sharing, more specifically, my monthly breakdown of "goals with grace" for 2015. I want to create accountability as well as choose faith over fear by writing down what I'm working towards. For now, here are some overall goal themes I've set for 2015:

1. Let God's word be a lamp unto my steps. I'm striving to spend every day in the word, and read through the entire Bible this year. I'm following a chronological plan on my phone app to help keep me on track, but I'm also journaling along with my reading for thoughts, application, and questions.
2. Get back to the basics health wise. Eat more vegetables. Drink more water. Do more yoga. Integrate more essential oils into my life. Go to be earlier. Nothing complicated, just good old tried and true healthy living.
3. Use encouraging words. With myself. With others.
4. Put my marriage first. Weston and I have already started a fun new habit of scheduling a lunch appointment together once a week to make sure we are intentional about our time together.
5. Pursue the passions God has placed in my heart. I'm starting to set and stretch for some professional goals that align with the strengths, passions, and desires God has placed in my heart. To start, I am regularly praying for Him to give me opportunities to do so. Faith over fear.
6. Spend less, give more. In pursuit of a simpler life, I'm looking for opportunities to give the gifts God has entrusted us to steward away, while minimizing the worldly clutter in my own life.
7. Read more books that interest me. For the past 22 months I've had my reading pretty much laid out for me. And while many of my graduate school material was very interesting, I'm looking forward to keeping that learner habit going once the books stop being assigned.
8. Use our home to bring glory to the Lord. From the moment we decided to move, Weston and I both agreed that we would do so only under the intentional practice of opening our home to serve others and build fellowship. We're off to a great start, and we plan to have many more parties and dinners here with family and friends each month.
9. Blog well and blog more often. Each time I meet you here, I am fed. I hope that sometimes, I feed you. God has given me a gift and a thirst to share my words, and I'm going to do it more often and more purposefully this year.
10. Find a work rhythm. Working from home with a flexible schedule is still very new and different to me. From designing a better work space to learning to better block my time and schedule, I want to get into an efficient and effective work groove.

2015 is going to be a BIG year. It's the year I'll graduate with my masters degree (9 more weeks, but who's counting!). It's a year I am putting goals out there, BIG goals, and taking daily steps toward achieving them. It's the year I move past daily to-dos and into the land of BHAGs (big hairy audacious goals). It's a year for growing physically, growing spiritually, and growing personally. It's a year to walk closer to God, pursue His will passionately, and push aside my own fears for faith. 

What are your words for 2015?

The Skeleton in My Closet

I am a perfectionist. Yep, there's no denying it, I'm as type-A as they come. In fact, I am so much a perfectionist that it literally pains me to let my guard down enough to share these thoughts with you all. However, if I could write a letter to my 20-year old self, I would, and ministering to you girls is the closest chance I get.

There are times in life when God is subtle, and there are times in life when He smacks you right across the face. Tonight, in preparing for our "Chase" Bible study, He smacked me. Hard. As I read through the study guide, praying about what message He had for me to share with you all, I instead found myself staring into a message directed right at me.

How much are you trying to control your image or what others think of you? Answer these questions:

• Do you freely confess you current struggles to close friends? Oh no, I'm the one who's there to listen and counsel others, the one who feeds and doesn't need to be fed.
• When someone accuses you of something do you immediately get defensive? Guilty.
• Are you quick to condemn when you hear about someone else screwing up? And do you feel like you are above making massive mistakes? Nope not above, but certainly don't want to let people see me sweat.
• Do you get frantic when you feel misunderstood? Absolutely. 
• Do people think you have it all together? Of course, how could I let them think otherwise?

I am still in a bit of a panic right now as I regurgitate these thoughts to you. In addition to being a perfectionist, I'm an extrovert, and in all honestly wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm open, happy to share and wouldn't describe myself as private. With one BIG exception - when it comes to my failures, or even my weaknesses.

True story - I had a melt down at a driving range when I was 16 years old. It is a wonder that I've ever picked up a golf club since. You may be wondering what on earth could have caused me to come unglued during a "fun" afternoon date to the public driving range. We're talking hysteric tears, heaving chest, burning cheeks, paralysis kind of melt down. I couldn't swing, wouldn't swing. And the culprit? The simple possibility that if I swung the club, I. might. miss. This was such a painful experience, and example of my desire for a perfect image, that I used it as the analogy for my college entrance essay more than a year later.

Flash forward to undergrad. I was so fixated on maintaining a perfect GPA (fear compounded by Drury's untimely institution of the + & - grading scale), that I vividly remember having to rush out of class (sometimes on a weekly basis), find a private bathroom and sob hysterically, because I could no longer breathe sitting in class I had buried myself under so much weight and pressure. Minutes later, I would return, feathers seemingly unruffled, never letting on to my melt down.

Let me be clear, I am not proud of this. Furthermore, I blame no one for this obsession with my identity as someone who has it all together. My parents were nothing but supportive and encouraging with the realistic expectations that any parent/educator would have. No, this is self-imposed, compounded by a grip of sin on my heart telling me that I am in control and control is a beautiful thing. "For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast." (Ephesians 2:8-9)

Even as I write this, a supposed revealing message, I am tempted to highlight and erase the entire thing with one swift click for fear that I'm rambling and the PERFECT words haven't been found. But let me be open with you for a few more moments. I struggle every.single.day with this stronghold on my heart; I'm working on it. In the infinite wisdom of my 20s (ha!) I am just beginning to learn to let go and let God. I am seeing the beauty in my own weakness, for it is only then that God's strength can shine through me. "But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us."
(2 Corinthians 4:7)

Will you walk with me on this journey? Will you ask me and push me to be real with you? To be an honest, open example of a messed up sinner, wiping away my facade that I've got it all together? I don't have it all together. And you don't have to either. Thankfully, we serve a God who does have it all together, and offers His unconditional love to us in spite of our ugliest failures. 

He doesn't treat us as our sins deserve,
    nor pay us back in full for our wrongs.
As high as heaven is over the earth,
    so strong is his love to those who fear him.
And as far as sunrise is from sunset,
    he has separated us from our sins.

(Psalm 103:10)